Resentment.

Had a good chat with le sister a couple of days ago, and one thing led to another - and we started on the topic of RESENTMENT.

Which is a pretty good topic.

I did some light googling, and in the psych site point of view, it says:

Resentment refers to the mental process of repetitively replaying a feeling, and the events leading up to it, that goads or anger us.

In resentment, it excludes the cool facts and in it, we re-experience and relive them in ways that affects us emotionally, physiologically and spiritually in very destructive ways.
The inability to overcome resentment probably contributes to the disintegration of intimate connection with family, friendship or even a loved one.

The dictionary states that
Resentment is a mixture of disappointment, anger and fear.
As the surprise of injustice becomes less frequent, so too does anger and fear fade - leaving disappointment as the predominant emotion.


---

We caught the cartoon "inside out" recently, as part of the mother's birthday celebration programs.
In it, le boyfriend made an interesting observation that each character's emotion is led by a different leader.

In the case of Riley, the young girl - hers is Joy.
While her mom's emotion leader is sadness, and while her dad's emotion leader is Anger.

Which leads to the question of what is your emotion leader?

I thought about it and .... I have yet to conclude.
The sister said mine could possibly be Anger, or Disgust.

I thought about it.
Anger - yes. I am an angry person by nature.
I was angry about many things.
About the way things are - I hated the conventional way of how things are.
How the society places a high emphasis on grades, schools, climbing up the corporate and social level.

I hated being compared to. etc

Disgust seems to be best friends too - anger and disgust seems to be a fine line.
I get disgusted by people's behaviour, lack of ethics, lack of character etc.
It goes hand in hand in the dirty business of being caught in the rat race.

I probably did mention this in passing, but over the years, I did work on Anger a lot, and let my anger take a back seat.
I tried to work on being a happier person, and a more positive version of myself.
Yet, if I were to honestly ask myself, I would not say that my emotional leader is Joy.
I would probably say that by not allowing myself to "explode" whenever I am unhappy about matters.
In short, I suppress and internalize my anger.

In anycase, It's waaaaay too complicating to analyse ME.
---

Going back to the topic of Resentment.
Perhaps, resentment is a better word to describe, and in it, I'm making conscious effort to figure out my trigger, and progress to let go of it. I'm still making time to understand myself, and working on it, and in turn - work on my anger.
After all, awareness is the mother of first steps in making changes.

According to the guide, and reading up on what it says,
Some I'll agree, and some does not make sense to me.... but since I'm writing it out for sharing, here it goes!

10 Steps to Letting Go of Resentment

1. Approach resentment as the addictive state of mind it is.
2. Realize that you are using resentment to replicate old dramas and acknowledge that you cannot change the past.
3. Examine how your resentment may come from mentally confusing people in your present life with people from your past. 
4. Acknowledge that you cannot control those who have rejected you.
5. Recognize that your resentment gives you only illusions of strength. Instead, highlight and validate your real strength and power.
6. Learn to identify signals that provoke resentment. Apply the acronym HALT, widely used in 12-step programs: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired.
7. Practice cognitive behavioral techniques to stop indulging in resentment. Put a thought between your feelings of resentment and indulging in ruminating about them.
8. Acknowledge your part in allowing the abuse to occur, forgive yourself for that, and make a decision to not let it occur again.
9. Declare an amnesty with the person you resent and with yourself.
10. Forgive when you can, and practice willful and deliberate forgetfulness when you cannot, keeping in mind that these acts are gifts to yourself rather than capitulation to the people you resent.

Hopefully this is useful.

and til my next realisation, time for me to get back to work!

Weird people are weird

Meeting weird people often.

Is it me, or is it the same for everyone else?

Today's special, because I met 2 weirdos in a day.

I was on the bus home, and this Auntie, with plenty of shopping sat next to me.

She took up most of my seat with her marketing bags and it's alright. I'll live with it.

At my age, I'm totally used to my personal space being usurp by others when I'm seated on the bus, I stopped complaining about that. 

But this Auntie's special! 

She trapped me in my window seat, and started picking her nose the entire journey with her bare fingers!

Good lord! "Gold" digging is not the thriller, its how she sprinkles her "gold" dust like she's tinkerbell that's really gotten to me. 

From her fingers she'll sprinkle onto her overflowing shopping that really got to me.
It was a really intense excavation session there.

I swear I'll scream if her residue flicks or tumbles over to my end.

I wanted to offer her tissue, but the fear of her touching my fingers got the better of me... and I alighted screaming inwardly as I have to brush pass all her belongings when I got out of my seat. 

Ahhhhh! Ahhh!!~~~

I googled my phobia.
It's apparently called Misophobia, or Mysphobia - the fear of being contaminated with dirt or germs.

It's nothing too serious, just that whenever I get into uncomfortable situations, I can see imaginary germs multiplying in my head.

How bad? you ask.

I'm not a fan of Barbecued food.

The visual image of raw food sitting in the ice box waiting to be BBQ-ed 

That's like Germ Fest. They multiply.

Especially barely cooked Chicken wings disguised as a very charred up wing. :/
The insides look a little bloody.

Not impressed.
I am alright if the raw meat gets plucked out from the fridge and gets cooked instantly though.
The need for a fridge, and running tap water is very important, in my world of food preparation.

Dead fishes and fresh chicken at the wet market, waiting to be bought...

Should totally see my face whenever I try to accompany mommy to the wet market.

I scream murder if the fish water plops onto me. Ermagawd!!!

I wanna dieeee.
I walk very very slowly, just so that there is no splashing involved... the hardwork fails when the hawkers stomp around in their rubber boots, the fish "water" gets onto my slippers. :((((((

Mom will make me wait at the dry parts of the wet market because I'm too drama for her.

These days, I just skip going to the market entirely. The brother has taken over on big occasions.
My hero.

hurhurhur.

And as a result, I rarely touch fish skin when it comes to eating fish.
Thats where all the bacteria hold their rave party at.
Venue: Fish skin.

Very mediocre bacterial analysis, I know.
Like I said, it's all in my head!
Lol.

Toilet gunk. 

The creepy stuff that creeps up in the wet parts of the bathroom. mold. Algae. 

Nightmares are made of that as well.

Dirty Sweaty people.

It's love, If I hug you sweaty, even if I do that with a :/ face.

Dead animals.
Having pets, means having to deal with dead bodies when they eventually pass away.
Thankfully, my brother and I have different phobias of our own.
He'll scoop them up and place them in boxes for me.
I'll transport them when the deed is done, and when the mobile crematorium people are here to collect the bodies.
I cannot bear to touch.
He cannot bear to deal with the weight of holding our be"loved" furrykins in his hands.

Fostering Tiger and his siblings, I made le boyfriend drive all the way over to my place, to pick silver's tiny body, when she passed away.
I left her at the back door of my place. Not that I don't love her.
Sleeping with a dead body in my room / house is too much for me to bear. As it is, I was already sad enough from her demise... bacterial thoughts doesn't need to haunt me to make me sadder.
Hahaha.

I got a little more pro, by the time I got through to Heather and Precious. I can't recall how I survived Hammie and Tauriel. Since the 5 of them were dropping like dead flies one after another.

Maybe because Claudia was with me when the last 2 passed on, and/or their bodies were still warm and soft, so I wasn't so bacterial phobic.
Well enough dead bodies in 2 foster cases.

---

Digress again!

Sorry.

Lunch today at Holland V,  I ordered drinks from my unusual drinks store, because le boyfriend says he wants Milo peng (Ice milo) to commemorate my unevenly tanned legs.

My drinks came up to $3.30

I had $4 in my hand, and I wanted to dig out $0.30 and the drinks auntie just yanked the two $2 bills out of my grasp.

That was rude.

Le Boyfriend said he would have asked for the money back just because money should not be snatched off. It has to be given.

Whatever la, I tolerate because I am in an okay mood today.
Besides, I'll just stick to the soybean drinks store, or the nice uncle who owns a schnauzer and loves Trixie whenever I bring her out for meals at the hawker.

---

I was hovering at Watsons, during their members sale.

The collagen strips that I usually consume is on sale!

I'm always half half about Collagen, because scientifically, there is no proven results about the effects it has on the skin. But since the ones that I bought are pretty tasty, I'll noms them whenever I remember to, like a sweet.

I was contemplating whether to try the Mango flavour ones for vitamin C, and the sales lady from the competitor booth informed me that one sachet a day isn't enough for our body's requirement.

I smiled back and went on with life.

She said that we'll need to take about 3-4 packets a day, in order to see results, and that hers was better Blah blah blah blah.

ONE

Never say whatever that I'm using isn't good.

I WILL DISLIKE YOU. Who doesn't?

TWO

I hate those powder packet thing. They taste terrible.

THREE 

I'm an independent shopper. I hate nagging people diverting my attention away, especially if I didn't ask for service help.

I buy what I want.

I buy as I intend to.

Hard selling tactics always go terribly wrong with me.

When I grabbed my stuff and was about to leave, she exclaimed very loudly "it's not enough!"

I was holding my tongue to not reply her

I wanted so badly to yell 

"REALLY?!" But i'm already 50 this year! This totally works!

and walk away just for the kick of it.

Obviously i'm not 50. But I just wanted to be sarcastic for the heck of it.

Alright I didn't retort.

The end.

Moral of the story is, sometimes life has a way of throwing weird challenges to you, just to help you work on your tolerance.

I salute people who can maintain smiley attitude, whenever the going gets tough.

I on the other hand, try to work towards that end goal, but end up shrieking here, just so that I can vent my frustrations.

Of course I receive a larger dosage of good service and chirpy people on my day to day life.
Life is good that way.

Happy friday!

treading down memory lane

It's one of those iponder sort of days, and I figured that I came a long way with this blog.
It has been slightly over 10 years, as I lay out bits of my life here.
I randomly clicked through old post, and it struck me how much I have changed over the years...
despite the fact that I insist. I am very much still the same ole Daphne.

I did so much growing up over the years, that often, I miss the laid back bummerina who is rather happy in her own little bubble.

Comparatively to the person that I have become in recent years,
I would say that my world has shifted.

Greater responsibilities - check! (I'm not quite sure about greater powers though..)
#punny #spidey
--
I become less self centred, and more people centric - I think!
But I am still very stubborn and am not easily coherced or swayed into group thinking.
I am still thick-headedly in love with myself.
--

I share less about myself online, than I did years ago.
Partly from writer's block, topic block - seriously its a fine line between over sharing my life,
and boring people about my life lately.

In sharing less about myself, I do feel less vulnerable in meeting or exposing myself to nonsense from people in general.
People who would abuse what I would write, and twist it into an entirely new plot.

I wrote something about being unhappy about my pigmentation a few post ago, and the next day I kana upsell left, right, centre, and down on some MLM skincare products.
that's it. I have enough!
*slams door*
seriously... its not up to anyone to talk down to me, just because I casually nitpick on myself.. its not an open license to address my issues to me.
If I did not ask you about it, I don't think your views matter to me.

In fact, if I counter pick, I doubt we'll still be friends after I'm done.
heheh..

--
I learn to "unfollow" people who do not value add into my life.

I try to open my world to the skies out there.
It seems to me that very little people are updating their blogs much.
Focusing a lot of Dayre, instagram.
I signed up for Dayre - but I can't bring myself to "report" what I did on a daily basis.
Even my own mom does not demand this of me, how can I.... do this online?
lol.

Instagram, however seem to have kept its foothold on me.
It's like a free subscription magazine for me with no limits, no censorship, visual fest I must say!
*sings a whole new world*
However, there is one big rule that I lay down strictly.
I do not follow my friends (with the exception of good friends, boyfriend, interesting friends etc)

Imagine having to scroll through Facebook to get myself updated, and opening up instagram to see the same set of stuff all over again.
*rolls eyes*
Why would I need to see something twice over?? crazy right..
The entire idea of social media is to entertain myself.
Not study my friends like a text book.
I'm not doing politically correct moves, just to please people.
I'm not fake that way.
But if my girls specifically request for me to follow them, I will.
I'm not a meanie. I understand that numbers matter to them for advertising purposes.

I Digress...

I speak Mandarin more fluently now - from my countless trips to China.
I scold people pretty well in my mother language, and I pick up new catch phrases while I'm there.
It still takes me a while to change back from language to language preference whenever I'm back.
It's not like I'm incapable of insta-switch. But speaking normally takes a while, change of lingo, attitude etc.
--
My hair becomes boring, my dressing becomes boring, my nails looks like shit half the time (because i used up my energy dust to focus on something else, rather than to have pretty nails every week now)
The nails thingie came from an observation made by Caroline.

I utterly surprised her with my chipped up nails when I met her for tea.
Compared to how I used to be back in SIM days - I'd say my nails are always pristine and freshly manicured with new design in the past.

Now, only when I'm up for it, or i'd just stick to french mani in loud, happy colours.

Wahhhhh I feel like an old hag, thinking about this.
:(


Spend less time playing and creating random craft projects...

well... I gave up some of my favourite stuff in exchange for other lessons in life...
like checking emails...
sending out packages for Addadress..
catch up on sleep..
spend proper time with friends and family and trixie
most importantly, keep up with the day dreaming.

Man without dreams, is like bird without wings.
I mentioned this in 2009 and 2014
Both were consistent in fretting about my career path and choosing the option of the less treaded path.

Some days, I wondered if I would be better off, taking up a normal job, drawing monthly salaries with limited worries.
The rest of the days, I'd be like Never!

As le boyfie points out to me...
waking up early to beat the morning traffic (to make it to office on time) will probably be my biggest motivation in doing what I do.
Fighting to squeeze into public transport, or beating the crowd, takes a huge toll on me...
my mood dips terribly, my energy level depletes tremendously, I get grouchy and scream at people.

Whenever I happen to be in train stations during rush hour, I'll always have the urge to take a picture of the over-pouring/overwhelming human moving along escalators, and caption
It's the end of the world! Run for your dear lives!!

Good lord.
I am thankful for what I have been tasked to do at this point in my life.

In a blink, it's approaching the end of the year.
Where have all the time gone? What have I accomplished?
I feel like a snail.

In about 2 more months, Daddy would have been gone for a year.
It does not feel like I've made much progress emotionally, but I must have, in my own weird ways..
I stopped questioning about his sudden departure.
Surely everything happens for a reason, even if I cannot fathom it now.

I think I'm okay now, singing his favourite songs at KTV.

that  I can talk about daddy normally without cracking up.. I am also quite skilled in changing topics conversationally when it gets touchy.

However, I do get moodier before my trips to China.
It is something that I cannot avoid.

I visited the area that he passed away in my recent trip, and I'd be reminded of things he tells me, and what he has done for me. Sometimes it gets a little painful, after all, China memories with dad seems pretty specific for me. In singapore, it is more like a shared property with the siblings and mom, if you get what I mean.

With daddy gone, It does get pretty awesome perk wise tho.
Whenever I head over to the temple, aside from saying hello to the gods, and thank them for taking care of all my precious and I,
I'd also throw in an additional liner for them to send my regards over for daddy.
#godiscool #moreAirtimewiththegods

Also, It's like the 7th month (hungry ghost festival) right now, and I feel no fear!
Hey! my daddy's here to protect me. I'll just need to scream Daddy! and he'll appear to smack the ghost away.
Wahahahah. wtf!
(kidding)

Whenever I'm in China, in the past - I'll stay out anything from midnight to 3am, either working in the office, massage, KTV, supper, movies, bunk into random hotels with friends and crawl my way back home to daddy's at 6am in the morning.
Uhuh..

In recent trips without daddy around, I will get nagged at alot more about being back in the hotel before 11pm. -_-"
Alright. in response to my past activities,
I now watch tv in my own room and press my own feet singing all by myself~ by Celine Dion.
lol.
In truth, I'll just raid the supper stalls located right outside my hotel, and stuff myself silly with the cheap yummy food until my tummy forbids me from eating more.
#cheapEntertainmentInchina

As I was saying earlier, I was in China on the first day of the 7th month.
Mom texted me a reminder to be back early. I detect additional smugness in her text.
It's as if the hungry ghost festival gave her reminder a 10% power up.
Tsk.

In anycase, I kind of fancy the idea that Daddy's back at home hovering around, enjoying and doing his own thing, and I also noticed that the dog is sitting/begging to blank spaces of late.
Its only something that she does, when people are talking to her, or when she wants something (usually food) from me.
Now she does it at a far distance from me. Like sits outside my room, when i'm in the kitchen?
I'm not trying to spook anyone out here, but its just a new trend I noticed with le doggles.

Alright, enough rattling.
It's odd, I shan't share to scare.
I need to get back to work, or crawl into bed.
adios